Sex And The City And Menopause

As we steady ourselves for the hotly anticipated movie premier of Sex And The City, women everywhere are gearing up to revisit the fantasy world of sex, shoes, shopping and still more sex. And we’re not just talking young women.

In fact, whether you’re a fan or not, it was hard to ignore Sex And The City’s bow to the generation of free love via Kim Cattrall’s sizzling portrayal of the shows official middle aged siren, Samantha - the original Red Dress girl!

Indeed, Samantha's seemingly insatiable desire for all things sexy and sensual - from afternoon liaisons with the UPS man to bubble baths with college guys - not only kept Sex and The City sizzling for the boomer generation, it led us to believe that ever woman over 40 was spending her retirement fund on Victoria Secret underwear and stiletto satin slippers with maribou trim - and investing what was left in Viagra stock!

Experts, however, say they have been seeing a slight different picture of sex in menopause city emerging.

Indeed, as millions of boomer-age gals enter middle age and beyond, many report that unlike Samantha, they are checkin' their sex drive at the door.

It's the number one lifestyle complaint I hear from my middle aged patients - they just don't feel like having sex, their interest has dropped, their desire has dropped, and they can't understand why," says NYU cardiologist Nieca Goldberg, MD, author of the brand new Complete Guide To Women's Health.

One reason, say experts, is that for women, the desire for intimacy isn't just a physical urge the way it is for men. For us, the desire for sexy is very much tied up in emotion.

"Part of the desire to make love is clearly physical, but part is also emotional – so almost any emotional issue in a woman's life has the capacity to impact her sex drive," says Glenn D. Braunstein, MD, an endocrinologist and chair of the department of medicine at Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

So okay,I think it's safe to assume that most of us are not exactly at our emotional best when
approaching menopause. I get that. We all get that.

But midlife doesn't have a strangle hold on crappy emotions. They also occur when we're single, when we're pregnant, when we lose a job or a friend or a really great hairdresser - and that can happen anytime in life. And is our sex drive always affected?

Well, it is. But the difference is, when we are young it seems to sort of drift back on it's own, without much prompting on our part. Not so as we age. In fact, research suggests that once you're past 45 or so, the longer you stay away from sex, the longer you're going to stay away - even if your emotional ups and downs taper off.

Which is why most experts believe mid-life emotions don't tell the whole story.

Sex In Menopause City: What's Really Going On

In fact, most say that playing an even stronger supporting role is our rapidly shrinking ovaries, and all the hormonal cha-chas that go with it.

"The very fact that a woman is no longer ovulating regularly, or not ovulating at all, automatically has to take her sex drive down a few notches," says Steven Goldstein, MD, professor of ob-gyn at NYU Medical Center in New York City.

Indeed, as every woman knows, that time frame just before and right after ovulation is probably the sexiest time of the month - not a mistake on mother nature's part, for sure, since this is also the time when we are mostly likely to get pregnant.

But fast forward a few dozen years and ovulation begins to dwindle and, eventually, stop. And when it does, that little monthly boost to our sex drive that's been occurring since, oh, I don't know, junior high school, well it takes a hike.

Are you gonna notice? You betcha.

"Many women feel that 'bump' much more than others, but every woman feels it to some degree," says Goldstein.

Add to this the fact that when our ovaries begin to check out, so does all that estrogen that has been moistening up all our V zone nooks and crannies and helping to make having sex feel as good as wanting it does. Ultimately, it's not hard to see why the era of Free Love can go the way of day-glo patent leather shoes and Simon and Garfunkle.

What's The Answer?
For many women just the simple act of understanding what is going on with their body is enough to get them to relax - at least enough to let the changes that are going to take place anyway run their course. Oftentimes, as our body gets used to lower hormone levels and the other changes that go with it, we get past that "bump" in the road, and find a new, and some say even sexier path to follow.

And certainly, you can always put the aging process on hold for a bit with HRT - hormone replacement therapy. While it's no longer recommended for long-term use, certainly in the short term it’s okay for some women - and it can give an almost immediate boost to your sex life. So too can a variety of topical solutions including many lubricants, if, say experts, you use them regularly everyday and not just when you’re anticipating intimacy.

And, in fact, if any of these – or Samantha’s other tricks – help your sex drive to come hurling back and make you weak in the knees, who knows, maybe you’ll get your own TV show!

At the same time, however, it's also important to recognize that you needn't feel obligated to go through middle age swinging from a chandelier in a red lace bra and matching thong - regardless of what you think everyone else is doing.

Indeed, some experts say that if we can stop looking at a diminished sex drive as a sign that something is wrong, and view it instead as part of the normal life cycle, we may get over the bumps in the road a lot quicker - and get back to enjoying life. This may be particularly true for those women who no longer have a partner – in which case a reduction in libido may be a welcome change.

In fact, even for those who do have a partner, sometimes a lessened sex drive comes about naturally for both - often replaced by other intimate bonding experiences. And if this is the case for you and your partner, don’t fight it - or try to talk yourselves into a problem that doesn’t really exist.

As Goldstein reminds us, "Just because your sex drive may be different at midlife it doesn't mean there is something wrong or that you have to try and fix it. If less sex isn't bothering you, your partner, or your relationship, then take heart -- you are maturing in the way nature intended."

And that's regardless of how Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and heaven help us Samantha may see it!

For tips on how to handle all the changes occurring in midlife and beyond visit:
www.Your Menopause.com or RedDressDiary.com
The destinations for fabulous women over 40!